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How Do I Move On When My Heart Remains Stuck?

I chose the title ‘How Do I Move On‘ because I can’t tell you the countless times I’ve personally searched that title, hoping beyond hopes I’d find the answer.

  • What’s ‘EXPECTED‘ Of Us And How That ‘Fits‘ Into Our Lives

You know when your emotions and feelings are adamant on remaining on the same path, never a different route? It can be an irritatingly frustrating thing to have to live with.

Expectations:

– School.

– Uni.

– Job.

– Marriage.

– House.

– Kids.

– Midlife Crisis; which can be in the form of cheating, doing outrageous things which isn’t in line with the person’s normal character, ditching the old routine/life for a new one or a whole number of other things that a person might do.

– Retirement.

– Coffin Shopping.

– Or something along those lines…

Reality: (mine)

– School.

– Relocating.

– School again.

– Loss.

– Hospital.

– Job.

– Slight rebellious phase.

– Love.

– Heartbreak.

– Humiliation.

– Limbo.

– Soul searching >?

*sigh* I used to think life would become easier. When I was little I used to shut my eyes so tightly wishing I’d grow up already and be able to do all the’ fun things‘ that only ‘big people‘ seemed to be allowed to do. Little did I know.

I experienced living without my folks from a young age at which time I also moved country, experienced being slightly mentally and physically abused by a guardian(though thank gosh not in a sexual way), failing school (and all the ‘self’ issues that came with it), handling loss, being temporarily physically challenged and having to grow up a little faster then I’d anticipated. (though how many of us have had that eh?!)

  • The Epiphany

Now despite everything I’ve been through, nothing could have prepared me for falling in love and the intensities that come with it. Maggie, a fellow blogger posted an article on the different stages of heartbreak. By the end of reading and listening to it all, I was balling my eyes out like crazy. I just couldn’t stop crying. It touched me to my core.

The song: Youth by Daughter, described exactly how I feel. And you know what? I had NO CLUE THAT’S HOW I FELT! It wasn’t until listening to it and hailstones were raining down my face as a I cried my eyes out did I realise something that I’d hidden so deep within myself that I actually forgot that it was there.

I started writing to help get things off my chest and not keep everything so bottled up inside as I’ve always done and genuinely try changing for the better. So yes, I write and advise both my readers and myself.

You know what I realised?

That I’ve been telling myself: Yeah, I’m ‘OK’. I may not be perfect yet I’m doing fine, I really am. I’m waking up in the morning, eating, laughing, working and setting new goals etc.. so that Must mean I’m fine right?!

Guess what though? It’s all Bullsh*t!

Why?!

Because I’m sharing the surface of what I’m feeling yet completely not only suppressing, but completely ignoring how I really feel way deep down inside my heart.

I locked up the very core of my heart and swallowed the key (now that I think about it, I actually remember a time ago mentally thinking that I’m going to close and lock that part of my heart and never face or unlock it ever again. Even I had forgotten about that).

I know a lot of the positive enforcement steps, books and rules to a better life and really try to enforce it for myself. You know what though?I have ‘Just’ realised why I find them boring and why they all sound the same to me… it’s because they lack the most essential ingredient to anything that can be considered a success. They lack: Heart.

And I’m reminded yet again why I started my blog in the 1st place. In the hope that I can add a little of that important ingredient into my daily life and impart it to my readers, too. Heart. So many things in life nowadays are void of the most important thing that we have a hard time living without as human beings.

I consciously know that I won’t go far in life until I truly open up my heart. I constantly talk about truly opening up yet I didn’t even realise that I hadn’t been doing so myself, until I heard ‘Youth’ and the reality to how I’m really feeling deep down, came crashing down around me!

  • Why Despite Everything, I ‘ Couldn’t’ And ‘ Wouldn’t’ Divulge My All

Would you like to know why I’ve been subconsciously denying my emotions and how I feel? Because somewhere inside me is terrified that I’ll be ‘Judged‘. If ‘Feelings‘ are involuntary then why do we feel so scared to ‘Feel‘ them? Shouldn’t they be part of us since they’re out of our control? I doubt I’m the only one on earth who feels this way.

So yes. In a judgmental society I do feel sh*t scared about displaying my (acceptable) inner thoughts and feelings.

I’ll give you an example: The other day I was sitting in the living room of a best friends’ house, chilling. We got up, went into the kitchen to make some popcorn then watch a movie and she goes; Jay, why don’t you ‘put yourself out there’ and get a man already (something down those lines).

Now she’d always reiterate this every now & then and I’d smile and shrug, not really wishing to talk about it. Now whenever she’d say this, on the surface I’d try & act like I don’t care whereas on the inside I’d be screaming: I WANT TO though I don’t know how to! Part of me is still very much hung up on the man I love and who left! Though that’s the case, I still want to learn to love again nor do I want to die alone! I wish for it so badly that not a day goes by that I don’t wish for it!

Would I ever tell her that? Nope.

As we’re in the kitchen:

– Her: You’re still into that guy you loved.

– Me: (automatic reaction) NO! Not really…

– Her: *smirk* We’ve been friends for almost five years now and you’ve loved him since I met you.

– Me: (By now I interpret that; as her saying, seriously! Move the hell on already, in other words) *smile* silence (in my mind I’m wishing she knew what was going through my head right now)

Then that’s the end of that (We’re close enough for her to know not to press me on things I don’t want to talk about which I’m doubly grateful for). That’s what I mean by ‘judgments‘ and ‘expectations‘ whether intentional or unintentional.

I mean isn’t that what’s expected? To have moved on already? Isn’t that part of the norm? Do (insert: *list of things) to move on and get over someone? And if you don’t then there is something ‘wrong‘ with you? and if I do them and I still don’t move on then that’s even worst and now I have ‘she-has-unhealthy-attachments-to-people syndrome‘?

Well what happens when it Doesn’t turn out that way? Isn’t it understandable if the person ends up ‘closing off’ in some way or another? I don’t know about you, that’s what’s happened to me.

To be honest here, no one really wants to listen to someone go on&on about the same ‘ol thing. After all who’d want to continuously be around that kind of negative energy? Not many, which is completely reasonable.

  • The Ugly Truth About How I Sometimes ‘See Myself

You see, I feel abnormal about how I feel. That my feelings haven’t changed that much about the person who I ‘ shouldn’t‘ still harbor feelings for.( Yes I know that we have the right to feel what we do and I love and adore every single bit of advice that I get on that. After all where would we be without reminders?)

It still doesn’t change how I Do feel. Now just because I feel this way doesn’t mean that I AM what I feel. I just feel it. I’m ‘in the know‘ about just how extraordinary we are as people.

Losing my ‘Love‘ and have him tell me that ‘he wasn’t good for me‘ (which is the ‘it isn’t you, it’s me card which actually translates: it isn’t me, it’s you!) has me feeling like an utter & complete failure. Whenever I hear his name my heart feels like it continuously dies all over again and I get irregular yet consistent boots of dread and sadness at times yet just force myself to push it away and weather it out until it passes.I made a mistake that I can never take back. A mistake that I was aware was a ‘mistake’ at the time. I Do know that it needn’t be why he left. The thing is that I genuinely believed I was ‘OK’ until I realised that the truth is that…

I Feel:

– Gross.

– Not/Never good enough.

– Disgusting.

– Stupid.

– Unappealing.

– Incapable.

– Untrustworthy.

– Unwanted.

– Rejected.

– Non-existent.

– Unimportant.

– Unnecessary.

– And as though my ‘Love’ wasn’t good enough nor worth it.

I was able to be replaced without even a backward glance and I don’t know if he ever loved me. Or whether he’ll even remember my existence. Sometimes I feel surprised that he even remembers my name. After all I was easy to discard. I know I shouldn’t care, yet part of me all of me does.

  • Acknowledging Is Better Then Suppressing Just How Effed Up I Feel

Feelings can’t be controlled so I can’t blame him or myself for anything. He didn’t Do anything To me. Doing something to someone is literally physically beating someone, physically forcing them to do something or anything down those lines. Otherwise despite what we may feel, we’re the ones entirely responsible for what goes on inside our bodies, minds, hearts & all. Sometimes it’s just ‘easier‘ having someone to ‘blame‘.

So how can I blame him for anything? He wanted to be with his ‘one’ who was never me… and that’s something I live with and hope I will get over some day.

I’m even a little grateful he left me. It would have been worst if I’d continued loving and remaining loyal to him when he didn’t feel the same about me. This is better right?!

I can’t shake the shame I feel about all this. It eats me up. I’m silently, internally struggling with this every day. Denying it doesn’t eradicate its existence unfortunately, so there you have it.

I think that, that’s why I don’t like seeing lists on ‘how to move on‘ and ‘heal‘ etc… whenever I read them It’s as though I’ve read them all. Also because they aren’t for ‘everyone‘. I prefer ‘options and ideas‘ instead of a ‘set list‘ for any given thing. Each of us are individually different, that’s why I love knowing that there’s a separate technique for everyone.

Thanks for reading.

Oh yeah and about that title: I’m still searching…

I hope you enjoyed my article and it helped you. If you’re a little fed up of stereotypes and would like to read a little substance, then; Check out my blog at http://www.jayjhonson.com

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